Tortallen TV Lunch Bunch
by Darth Tater
Summary: it's scifi for a reason. basically, i capture everyone and make them watch all my favorite tv showsmovies. most of which just happen to be scifi. so there. RR plz. lol.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own a six dollar ring I bought downtown, but that's about it. The rest belongs to Tammy.

Note: when i wrote the disclaimer, i still owned that ring. i have since lost it, so i own nothing.

_Italics mean sarcasm._

It's a normal day. Everyone is happy. For about two minutes. Then, people start disappearing. Just out of thin air and no one knows where they go. Then they're all gone, so there's no one to tell anyone else about it.

On a stage in an auditorium, the really big kind used for talk shows, there is a row of human sized cages along the back wall. In front of them, there are four cushy chairs, all empty. Suddenly, the cages begin filling up. One by one, strange people appear until they're all full. Then the screaming starts.

"What am I doing here?" "What are you doing here?" "Where are we?" "Where am I?" "What is this place?" "Who are all those people?" (Referring to the packed audience) "How did I get here?" "When can we go home?" "How can we go home?" "I want my blanky!" "I want my mother!"

"SHUT UP!" A cricket chirps. Then dies from a glare. A teen-aged, brown haired girl runs in, skidding to a halt on the polished wood. She's wearing faded jeans, a navy paisley braided belt, a light blue tank top, and black flip flops. The captives are stunned at the weird apparel of everyone.

"Hi, this is your host, Darth Tater, and welcome to my show, Tortallen TV Lunch Bunch. I have made sure to fill the audience with TP fans only so they know what's going on. I've also taken the liberty of restraining everyone so none of the prisoners… err… I mean _guests,_ turn up mysteriously missing. Since I know that all you fan girls will be trying to kidnap them. Well guess what. THEY'RE MINE! I KIDNAPPED THEM FAIR AND SQUARE! MUAHAHA! Okay, I'm done now."

A few audience members clap hesitantly, before it's silent again.

"Okay, will the, um, help crew please take all the cages backstage to prevent interruptions. But leave Neal, Dom, and Kel here. Oh, and for anyone who didn't see everyone before they were transported, and for the benefit of the people as pathetic as me who are reading this fic, the cages hold Alanna, Jon, Gary, Cythera, Raoul, Buri, Thayet, George, Daine, Numair, Onua, Kel, Neal, Yuki, Dom, Aly, Nawat, and Dove, just for fun.

Some really hot strong guys who look like hot actors such as Orlando Bloom and Michael Shanks (if you don't know who he is, watch the TV show Stargate SG-1 on the sci-fi channel. More references later.) take the cages backstage. Another one opens the doors to the cages to let Neal, Dom and Kel, who is by now wearing her lumpiest expression ever, out.

Darth Tater slounges in a chair with her legs over the side, Neal plops down and leans back with an expectant smirk, Dom sits on the arm confusedly, and Kel perches on the edge of a seat nervously.

"Um, now that we're seated and being treated as humans, I have a few questions. One: How did we get here? Two: Why are we here? Three: Who are you? Four: Can I go home please? Five: Why do you have us here without everyone else? And six: Who are all those people?"  
------A/N symbols R fun 2 play with. Okay, forget this, change of format.

Sighing with their curiosity, Darth tater began with a looooong run on sentence. "I brought you here, cuz I can do that, cuz I'm the author, you're here because I'm bored and I have a talk show that you have the honor of being on, I'm Darth Tater, No, You can't go home, Everyone else would make too many people, And all those people are other fans of yours and of everything ever created by Tamora Pierce. That answer your questions?"

"Yes, but not very well. Though I doubt I'll get better ones out of you. Now, what's going on?" By this time Kel was virtually pissed.

This prompted a sarcastic "_I do say, what is going on?" from Neal._

Dom snickered. "Meathead, what do you know? Fess up. I'm older than you, and I doubt you can go calling for daddy Baird again from here."

"Again? Oh right. I remember." Darth tater leaned back again with an all knowing grin.

Neal Who Shall Evermore Be Referred To As Meathead: You do?

"Yes, and I think I'll tell Kel, and everyone else during their turns."

Going pale, Neal stuttered, "You wouldn't."

Calmed down, Kel started some chatter. "Neal, you know she probably would. So, Darth Tater, What happened?"

"Oh, Neal dropped his meat on the floor, slipped on it, it landed on his head, Dom called him Meathead, Neal attacked him, Dom pinned him down, Neal whined and screamed for his daddy. It was all really rather comical."

"How do you know all that? Dom hasn't had time to tell you." Neal was practically hyperventilating.

"I'm the author. What'd you expect? You know Kel, we could be a really good pair together. But first we need to go shopping." She snapped her fingers and a little remote appeared, she pushes a button, everyone but her and Kel freeze.

"Um, what just happened? And why do we need to go shopping?" this was seriously strange. If she didn't seem to be so friendly, Kel might have stabbed her by now.

"Oh, I froze everyone so they wouldn't notice the few days we spent shopping. And we need to go shopping because 1: I like shopping and I can shop here cuz in real life I'm broke cuz I spend all my money on geek stuff, 2: You need some new non-Tortall clothes, and 3: I've been wearing this same outfit for a few months cuz that's how long it's been since I've worked on this."

Looking a little confused, Kel accepted this madness. Barely. "Okay. But do I have to get dresses?"

This drew a disgusted screech from Darth Tater. "Goodness no, but you do have to get some fun skirts. Oh my gosh, I love skirts. I think the word has a different meaning here though. It's like the bottom part of a dress, but you can wear it with whatever top you want. Like no one wears dresses anymore. And now they have some uber cute tops! No, don't look at me like I'm crazy."

"That's all very well, but it sounds hard to carry a weapon with that manner of clothing."

"Oh, that won't be necessary. Downtown is safe, the only people who go there are those who shop and those who work there. And Downtown is nothing like the marketplaces from your world. It's all really lovely. But if you insist, I suppose we can get you some nice boots to put a knife in. Oh, and if any reviewers say anything to you about going to malls instead, tell them malls are evil and overpriced and that Darth Tater comes from a town with no mall, but a downtown. One that people actually shop in, heaven forbid."

Kel's ears perk up at the word boots. "What do you mean 'unnecessary'?"

"Oh, nowadays rapists and murderers work in bad neighborhoods, which only have places we don't want to go to, and in the dark of night."

Kel, shrugging, merely followed Darth Tater offstage. "Whatever. Okay, so let's go."

One week later……………………………………………………………………………………...

"Mithros, I cannot believe we just spent like an entire week shopping."

"I know, isn't it great? See, I told you shopping was fun, and skirts weren't nearly as bad as dresses, and boots rock, and weapons are unnecessary nowadays. Except maybe a Swiss Army knife, but that's just practical." Now that this was a fanfic and Darth Tater no longer had to go to school where they believe weapons are Satan-spawn, she had a knife. With a built in screwdriver. And saw. And scissors. And can-opener. They hadn't really figured out what that was doing there, but it was kind of cool.

They walked back onto the stage where they left Neal and Dom sitting confusedly and the audience a mix between cheering and looking disgusted, with Kel wearing dark grey faded flared jeans, a wavy blue and purple sash, black high-heeled knee length leather boots, a dark blue three quarter sleeve top emphasizing her cleavage and that has a large black and blue yin yang embroidered on the front, and blue teardrop earrings. (A/N Wow, that was all one sentence. Can you say run-on sentence?)

Darth Tater is wearing multi-colored striped toe socks with pastel green sequin flip-flops, dark blue flared jeans, and a pastel green t-shirt. Her earrings were little green flower studs, meant for someone with a December birthday. Psh, who cares her birthday was in September.

Ok, so describing an OUTFIT is only descriptive if one describes everything else. Believe me, I know. For example:

_In the middle of the forest was a girl. She was sad._

Psh, no. That's not descriptive at all. Another example:

_In the middle of the forest was a sad girl all bedecked in green, with pastel gauze covering her arms, a darker green bodice, and a deep velvet jade skirt spanning from a bejeweled V-shape at her waist to a full expansion touching the ground; on her throat were emerald jewels. On her feet, which she tapped, were green satin slippers with tiny viridian beads._

Psh, better, but not "descriptive". No, describing outfits not "descriptive". It means you're fashionably obsessed, you psycho.

_In the very center of a wood under the calming throes of autumn,_ I said where it was already_ a young girl on the edge of pubescence _ I said she was a teenager, so I have that aspect covered_ examined the interwoven limbs above her head, mentally remarking how the leaves were no longer the exact pastel of her gauzy sleeves, how the forest floor, once a deep jade like her full skirt, was dark brown, deep as the secrets of trees and the hair of the girl; her breath mingled with the cool wind, and it in turn caressed the emeralds hanging low on the dark bodice of her gown, and dangling from a V-shape at her waist. The viridian beads on her satin slippers bounced with the soft continuous patient pat of one who knows where she is, but wonders why salty drops of crystal are flowing down her cheeks. _ I described the outfit, and I mean, how can people not get that the 'mood' is funny? I mean, it's a parody.

Psh, better. Describe the person, things around her, and the mood… in this case, reflective or sad. Not reflexive, that's something else…but in any case. It's possible to put far more thought and characterization into description than in quotations, if one does it right and doesn't describe ONLY OUTFITS. Gracious. Don't just say someone is "pretty" or "disgruntled"… unless nondescription is your writing style. Wow, this sounds mean, but I'm really just trying to help.

Yeah, well, its not that easy to describe people you've already described, and an auditorium you've already described, and the mood… well, its supposed to be funny, but I mean, come on, it's a fan fic, a parody at that, I don't have to describe the mood. Step it up. That was my sister, and I decided to leave that little tidbit in incase any of you _real_ writers got fed up with me, just to say, ur not the only ones. But I did add some commentary in there. It's the non italicized stuff. Aaaaaaaaanyway…….

Having converted Kel to her evil ways, Darth Tater snapped her fingers again and everyone resumed their positions, with comments such as, "what just happened?

"What's going on?"

"What are they wearing?"

"Did she freeze time?"

"Where'd they go shopping?"

"What are we doing here anyway?"

And,

"What's my mother doing here anyway?"

"Did you die?"

Many of these comments were incredibly off topic, but they were ignored.

"We did not die. And, since I can no longer remember why Neal and Kel Dom were here, I'm brining everyone else out to carry on with my plot. Aaaaaaaannnnd……..

Chapter. rr plz


	2. Children of the Gods Part 1 of 4

Disclaimer: I don't even own a Darth Tater toy, after which I am named, so what makes u think I own the following characters and TV show? It belongs to Tammy, gecko, double secret, and MGM. I also don't own transcripts for season one, they are courtesy of Hint. Hint.

"Okay, today, as some of the loverly readers in the audience out there might have guessed, we're watching the show Stargate SG-1. I was going to just use a few episodes from each season, but when I looked at a list of episodes, I realized they were all too influential. So, I've created a table of contents here below, like a program, so people will know what's in store. And for the benefit of anyone out there who guessed from the disclaimer what was in store for this chapter, AKA, any Stargate fans who will actually get something from this information. That and so anyone who doesn't care about Stargate can skip the 173 or so chapters consumed by Stargate. By the time I finish all that, I'll prolly have to add on season 9, but whatever. At this point here's a list of all Stargate episodes through season 3. if I make it that far. This fic is mainly aimed at Stargate fans, and if u aren't a fan of Stargate, it's not meant for you.

Chapters, Top

Setup

Children of the Gods

The Enemy Within

Emancipation

The Broca Divide

The First Commandment

Cold Lazarus

The Nox Brief Candle

Thor's hammer

Torment of Tantalus

Bloodlines

Fire and Water

Hathor

Singularity

Cor-Ai

Enigma

Solitudes

Tin Man

There But for the Grace of God

Politics

Within The Serpent's Grasp

The Serpent's Lair

In the line of duty

Prisoners

The Gamekeeper

Need

Back to top

Thor's Chariot

Message in a Bottle

Family

Secrets

Bane

The Tok'ra, Part 1

The Tok'ra, Part 2

Spirits

Touchstone

A Matter of time

Fifth race

Serpent's song

Holiday

One false step

Show and tell

1969

Out of Mind

Into The Fire

Seth

Fair Game Legacy

Learning Curve

Point of View

Deadman Switch

Demons

Rules of Engagement

Forever in a Day

Past and Present

Jolinar's Memories

The Devil You Know

Foothold

Pretense

Urgo

A Hundred Days

Shades of Grey

New Ground

Maternal Instinct

Crystal Skull

Nemesis

Ok, this is… Children of the Gods. I'm gonna be using an online transcript for the benefit of any poor non-Stargate fans, in the hopes that it will encourage them to watch. And, I am giving my word as a geek that all Stargate related information will be accurate, unless otherwise specified. If I go against this, feel free to criticize. And I'll be taking out a few insignificant lines. I took out most of the scene descriptions, cuz they really are a bit long winded. And any comments will be script style, but in bold. And any weird words will be defined if at all possible.

Kree: Yoo-hoo, look, attention, over here, etc.

Jaffa: the name of the race of the servants of the Goa'uld

Goa'uld: Evil Parasitic Aliens

Abydos: Planet where Ra ruled, and Daniel went

Stargate: Big stone ring made of naquadah that transports people to other planets

Naquadah: Material the Stargate is made out of

SGC: Stargate Command

NID: Bad people on Earth, I still don't know what it stands for

Teal'c: A guy

Skaara: Daniel Jackson's brother in law

Sha're/Shau'ri: Daniel Jackson's wife

Kasuf: Daniel Jackson's father in law

Lol.

Children of the Gods

Fade in on an aerial shot of the Gate room, which is largely unused; all the equipment in the control room is covered in tarps, as is the equipment in the actual embarkation room itself. Near the left exit, a card table is set up, and four Air Force officers, three male and one female, are playing poker. A fifth crosses the room to join them. One man is dealing, and another is holding a thick cigar in his teeth.

**Daine: Wait, where are they? What's under that big sheet? Don't they know cigars are bad for their health?**

DEALER: Oh, man, this hand's as lousy as this detail. (The fifth player sits down.) All right, everybody in or out.

**Kel: Hey, isn't poker unethical?**

The camera pans down as he deals the final card, focusing on the lone female officer, an attractive blonde-

**Jon: wolf whistles**

**Thayet: smacks Jon**

at the table. Behind her, covered by a gray tarp, is the inactive Stargate.

WOMAN: Aren't you guys afraid of an officer coming down here or something?

SMOKER: Trust me. Nobody ever comes down here but us.

Behind the tarp, something stirs ever so slightly. The female officer notices, and starts in surprise.

WOMAN: Does that thing always do that?

DEALER: (not looking up from his cards) Do what?

WOMAN: Whatever it is under the tarp! I just... (glances back at it briefly) saw it move or do something!

SMOKER: Probably the only thing it ever did was cost money.

DEALER: Yeah, it looks like they ran out of that. Been shippin' personnel out of here for months.

Again, something shifts beneath the tarp, the movement more noticeable than before. The woman is the only one to notice, however.

WOMAN: I'm telling you, that thing is moving!

SMOKER: (removing the cigar) If you don't have the straight, just fold.

**Alanna: Ohmigosh, those chauvinistic pigs! She's noticing something important, and trying to warn them and they're ignoring her!**

Instead of answering, she gets up from her chair to investigate.

DEALER: Can we take that as a fold?

She ignores them, moving slowly and cautiously up the ramp towards the Stargate. Behind her, the others resume their game.

SMOKER: (off camera) Just finish the hand. She's out.

As the female officer gets halfway up the ramp, the covered Gate creaks somewhat. She takes two more steps, and suddenly the ramp starts shaking, the railings groaning and creaking under the tremor. Immediately, she backs away. The poker table is shaking as well, the chips and cards scattering. The other four officers get to their feet as their comrade stumbles to the bottom of the ramp, nearly losing her balance entirely. Cut back to the Gate. The tarp is rippling and billowing like water, and starts to slide away. As the Gate starts to spin, the tarp is fairly blown off of the Gate, tossed into the air and slipping to the floor. The officers watch in shock as the Stargate continues to spin, the chevrons locking in place.

WOMAN: I take it this has never happened before?

**Neal: No shit!**

The smoking officer dashes over to the emergency phone on the far wall, lifting the receiver to his ear. Before he can move another muscle, the wormhole activates, shooting forth a watery bluish-white plume of energy particles. In his shock, the officer drops the receiver as the plume recedes, leaving the active wormhole. The other four are retrieving weapons from a nearby crate. As the three armed officers hang back, the woman steps forward, weapon at the ready as she moves up the ramp.

DEALER: What are you doing?

**Dom: Seriously, doesn't she know never to get to know the unknown?**

**Kel: Where'd you get that theory?**

Ignoring him, she continues up the ramp, slowly and cautiously, her attention completely focused on the anomaly before her. As she approaches the wormhole, the officer who was dealing positions himself at the bottom of the ramp. The female officer reaches the wormhole and stops, reaching out a hand to touch it. Before her fingers can make contact, a metal sphere about the size of an orange is tossed through the wormhole. It bounces once on the ramp before landing by her feet. The object is completely spherical except for an aperture at the top, its shape resembling that of a novelty "magic" 8-ball. As the female officer turns, rays of golden light suddenly shine from the aperture, catching her in a scanning beam that travels over her. The scanning over with, it continues to glow. The four other officers stand there, dumbstruck. The officer by the emergency phone flattens himself against the wall. The light dies away, and the woman kneels down, reaching for the sphere to inspect it.

DEALER: (off camera) What are you doing?

SMOKER: (off camera) Don't touch it!

**George: Don't touch something completely foreign!**

Despite their cries, she picks the sphere up. Nothing happens.

**George: Something's gonna happen!**

Slowly, she gets to her feet, trading a quick glance with the dealer. Cut to a view of her with the wormhole in the background. Just as she straightens up, an armored figure with a helmet shaped like a serpent steps through the wormhole, grabbing her. The sphere drops onto the ramp. She only manages a surprised gasp as the Serpent Guard wraps an arm around her neck, yanking her weapon from her grasp with his free hand. The officer by the emergency phone draws a handgun, training it on the intruder. The Serpent Guard is holding the woman in front of him like a shield.

**George: See? See? What did I say?**

DEALER: Hold your fire! (As three more Serpent Guards step through the wormhole) Hold it!

Cut back to the Gate as the final armored figure steps through. His armor is similar in design to the others, but unlike theirs, his is made of gold or a similar metal to indicate his status. From the camera angle, it is apparent that there are now eight armored figures on the ramp - six guards are assembled in two rows on the ramp, blocking their leader and the guard who has the female officer in a headlock. Behind the leader, the wormhole shuts off. The camera closes in on him, moving past the assembled guards to close up on the leader and the first guard, still holding the woman captive. The leader's helmet retracts with a snap to reveal the more or less human face of Apophis.

APOPHIS: Jaffa! Kree!

The first guard's helmet retracts to reveal Teal'c, the First Prime of Apophis. He glances at his prisoner, then at the weapon he's confiscated, studying it briefly.

**Darth Tater: Plot point!**

APOPHIS: Teal'c! Kree!

Almost reluctantly, Teal'c tosses the weapon aside, shoving the woman over to Apophis.

**Darth Tater: Yeah Teal'c!**

**Cynthia: Wait... isn't he bad?**

**Darth Tater: Beside the point. **

WOMAN: Get... off... me!

Apophis opens the palm of his free hand, activating the ribbon device and shining it before her eyes. Mesmerized by the device, she ceases to struggle against his grip.

**Dom: Wow, I really need to get one of those things, maybe then I'd get a date.**

**Kel: smacks Dom for his obvious butt-headedness**

DEALER: Let her go!

For answer, one of the guards lowers his staff weapon and fires. The blast just misses the dealer, striking the wall instead. The officers return fire, taking cover behind the unused equipment. Teal'c, with the female officer back in his grasp, turns his back to the officers, their bullets bouncing harmlessly off his armor as he shields the captive. None of the bullets seem to pierce the Serpent Guards' armor at first, and a well-aimed staff blast catches an officer in the midsection, sending him sprawling backwards over the card table. Another officer, this one with a buzz cut, moves around one of the piles of equipment, firing repeatedly at the guard who shot down his comrade. After several shots, a bullet finds a weak spot, and the Serpent Guard falls. Apophis stares, surprised to see one of his men go down. The dealer, crouched behind equipment, is firing like a maniac, yelling as he sprays bullets left and right. Seeing that he might have cover fire, the officer who was smoking makes a break for the phone again, picking up the receiver. Apophis, unfortunately, spots him.

APOPHIS: Kree jai'a, Jaffa!

In response, one of the guards fires.

SMOKER: (into receiver) Ninety-five down here! We need --

The blast hits him square in the back, and he slumps to the floor.

**Daine: Well, that's mean of them. He was just calling for help, and they killed him.**

**Darth Tater: That's the point. They're the bad guys. They do a lot of bad things. That's why they're bad.**

Buzz-cut continues to fire on the Serpent Guards, but he, too, is hit. The dealer is the last one standing. He lets out a yell, spraying bullets left and right, taking out another Serpent Guard in his fury. The guard falls over the railing. Another fires his staff weapon, striking the dealer, who collapses. Their opposition gone, the guards cease firing. Cut to a shot of one of the officers, lying dead on the floor with blood covering his neck and hand. He is still clutching his firearm. Cut to the smoker, also dead. Cut back to Apophis.

APOPHIS: Kon! Ans'li!

Cut to exterior corridors as a troop of soldiers runs down the hall towards the camera.

**Darth Tater: Actually, do you know that's the exact same shot they use for backup to the gate room for like the next eight seasons? I think they just filmed it once.**

**Everyone else: glares at Darth Tater for not shutting up **

OFFICER: Go! Go!

They turn into an adjacent corridor, entering a passage to another chamber. Behind them, a heavy white partition swings closed.

Cut back to the room housing the Stargate. The wormhole has been reactivated. Apophis, the female officer, and one Serpent Guard are left standing on the ramp; the others have gone through. Apophis is holding the subdued woman. The Serpent Guard kneels to pick up the spherical scanning device. The door marked "C-1" slides open to admit the group of soldiers, who ready their weapons and drop into position upon entering the room. General Hammond is right behind them, and the camera cuts to him for a moment as he stares in shock at the scene before him. The Serpent Guard is holding the female officer by the collar of her shirt, and she does not resist, still under the effects of the ribbon device.

HAMMOND: Hold your fire!

The soldiers obey, keeping their weapons ready as the two groups face off for a moment, Hammond and Apophis staring at each other. Apophis' eyes glow briefly - much to Hammond's shock - before his helmet closes up again. He turns and walks through the wormhole, followed by Teal'c, still holding their hostage, and the remaining Serpent Guard. The wormhole shuts off. Hammond walks slowly up the ramp, staring in shock at the now-dormant Stargate.

**Raul: Well, that sucked. So, all the guys just died and they kidnapped the girl and have no idea where they went?**

**Darth Tater: Yeah, Pretty much. I'm tired of being the only one here, I'm calling for backup.**

**Stina: Hi, I'm "Darth Tater's" cousin. Not sure why she calls me Stina, but it's good for a penname. She called me here cuz I like Stargate. **

OPENING CREDITS

**Numair: Wow, that's incredible. That ring- can you imagine how it's possible to travel to other star systems through that? It must be magic!**

**Darth Tater: Psh, there's no such thing as magic. At least, not here.**

**Numair: Now, that's not true- tries to do something, but fails**

**Darth Tater: Told you so**

Night. A car pulls up in front of Jack O'Neill's house and Major Samuels climbs out. He walks up to the front porch and knocks on the door. No one answers, and the camera pans up to the roof.

DRIVER: Sir. There's a ladder over here.

The view pans up to show O'Neill on the roof, looking at the night sky through a telescope. A laptop rests on a small table beside him. Samuels climbs up the ladder to join O'Neill.

SAMUELS: Colonel Jack O'Neill?

O'NEILL:(not looking up) Retired.

SAMUELS: I'm Major Samuels.

O'NEILL: Air Force?

SAMUELS: Yes, sir. I'm the General's executive officer.

O'NEILL:A little piece of advice, Major? Get re-assed to NASA. That's where all the action's gonna be. (Brief shot of O'Neill's POV, at the cluster of stars in the scope.) Out there.

**Numair: Wait-what's NASA?**

**Stina: Shut up.**

SAMUELS: I'm under orders to bring you to General Hammond, sir.

O'NEILL: Never heard of him.

SAMUELS: He replaced General West. He says it's important. Has to do with the Stargate.

Hearing that, O'Neill finally turns away from the telescope.

**Numair: What's that thing he's using to look at the stars? And what's a Stargate?**

Same evening. The car passes through a military gate, heavily guarded by soldiers, heading down into a tunnel cut into the side of the mountain - the entrance to the Cheyenne Mountain Complex. Cut to a shot of an elevator shaft, then the interior of the elevator, where O'Neill and another officer are standing. O'Neill notices how deep they're descending - the elevator goes all the way down to Sub-Level 11.

The elevator doors slide open, and O'Neill follows the officer down the corridors, looking around curiously.

INTERCOM: Red team number 9 to Sub-Level 2, red shaft 24.

They stop at a security checkpoint, and O'Neill signs in on a clipboard. The officer leads him to another elevator.

OFFICER: We have to take a second elevator the rest of the way, sir. It's a long way down.

O'Neill hands the clipboard back as the officer opens the elevator, and they step inside.

O'NEILL: I've been here before.

OFFICER: Ah. Of course.

**Gary: Were we supposed to know that?**

He presses a button, and the elevator doors close. They open on the lowest level, and O'Neill and the officer step out to meet Samuels, who is waiting for them.

SAMUELS: This way, sir.

Cut to Hammond's office. Hammond is looking over a report when Samuels pounds on the door.

HAMMOND: Come.

Samuels enters, with O'Neill right behind him.

SAMUELS: General Hammond, Colonel Jack O'Neill.

O'NEILL:(as Samuels closes the door) Retired.

HAMMOND: I can see that. Me, I'm on my last tour; time to start getting my thoughts together. Maybe write a book. You ever think about writing a book about your exploits in the line of duty?

O'NEILL: Thought about it. But then I'd have to shoot anyone who actually read it. (Neither Hammond nor Samuels respond.) That's a joke, sir. Most of my work for the past ten years has been classified.

HAMMOND: Yes, of course.

**Yuki: I like him, very concealing.**

**Kel: facepalm**

O'NEILL: Major Samuels mentioned something about the Stargate?

HAMMOND: Down to business. I can do that. (He gets up.) This way. (He leads O'Neill and Samuels out.)

Cut to the infirmary, as Dr. Warner pulls a white sheet back to reveal the body of one of the dead Serpent Guards. Samuels, Hammond and O'Neill are gathered around the cot that the body is strapped on to.

HAMMOND: Anyone you know, Colonel?

WARNER: They're not human.

O'NEILL: Ya think?

WARNER: Best we can tell, these slits are actually a pouch similar to that found in a marsupial.

**Daine: What's a marsupial?**

**Stina: facepalm**

SAMUELS: Like a kangaroo.

**Daine: Oh.**

Note: I'm really sorry, but I realized that since these episodes have like 45 minutes of transcript to add commentary to, it'll take a little time. I'm breaking them up into chapters.


End file.
